I can’t afford it. 

I found myself yawning while reading my toddler stories before afternoon nap. This is not uncommon. Even after getting 8 hours of sleep, I’m tired. Both of my kids sleep through the night. My eldest sleeps from 6pm-5:30/6am. My baby sleeps from 7/8pm-6am. I get good sleep. Yet, I’m always hustling off to nap and bed as soon as possible. Meanwhile, putting off self care and my creative projects to yet another day in the future.

I can’t afford to be lethargic by noon. I can’t afford to be wiped out physically and emotionally. I can’t afford to go to bed 5 minutes after my baby. I can’t afford to be moody.  I just can’t afford it anymore.

​As you can see my boys are full of energy, and I need a full tank to keep up!

I want to be a kind, present, and patient mother, so I can’t afford to eat garbage. When I eat sugar, I’m reactive. I rollercoaster all day long and need sleep whenever I can get it. I’m like a child throwing tantrums when things don’t work out the way I need it to. I want to create my art. I can’t do that when I’m continually playing catch up on sleep to help balance me out. I want to play and chase my kids and feel good in my body.  I can’t do that when I feel tired and fat without the time to exercise. My time now is too valueable. How I eat and how I live must support the dreams I have for myself and my life.

I need to do better, for the love of myself and my life. I can’t afford not to do better anymore. If I want to have the life I dream of, I can’t afford to stay the same. 

My kids have forced me to prioritize. My schedule has forced me into choice. Before kids, I had a million hours and unlimited time. I could nap, drink, binge, get some work done and do it all over again. Sure, I was still loosing my shit on the regular, but I had time to do it. I don’t have time to do that anymore.

I currently have about 2-2.5 hours of my day to dedicate to self care and self expression. I can’t afford to be sleeping at that time. When I say self care that includes everything. From waxing, washing, work outs, journaling, meditation, organizing, and cleaning. Self expression includes blogging, artwork, home projects, new business ventures, dreams for myself, or even watching Netflix. Basically those two hours a day are the only kid free time I have. And lately, nothing is getting done. I have time, but not the energy to use it. It’s not a time problem, it’s an energy problem.

After another day of eating whatever for convince and feeling like crap by noon, yawning and needing a nap, I finally had to re-evaluate. How am I going to spend my days? Since I can’t control my “free time” can I at least make the most of it? That’s when I realized, eating for convience is making everything inconvenient. I continually feel stuck, angry, and bitter because I have no time for myself. Because the choices I’ve been making are wiping me out, and I just can’t afford to make the same choices anymore.

I need the energy to do my artwork over naptime. I need focus to be patient with my toddler. I need to feel light in my body so I can go for a run when my kids go to bed. I can’t afford to sleep off food hang overs anymore. I can’t afford to ride an emotional reaction roller coaster with sugar anymore.

I just can’t afford it. 

I write this on the last day I need to nap at noon. The last day I made choices that have kept me feeling pigeon held in my own life. For tomorrow I will make choices to allow for more in my life.

Finally, I don’t care to “have it all” in the kitchen, so I can afford to have it all in my life.

God is showing me the need to prioritize what I want. I can have it all in life, by making choices to promote what I really desire. Time to write, time to paint, time to run, time to play, time spent being present and kind, and time spent being nurturing to my kids. It just may mean that change needs to happen, so I can afford to do more and be more.

I didn’t want to change. I’ve been fighting dietary changes for over a decade. I’ve danced with change, but never took her home. I’ve been totally aware of how eating clean makes me feel a million times better. It just took me this long to see what the full value of eating differently is.

It’s not just about weight loss or looking good. I could never change for those reasons, because it always felt like it was for someone else. I rebel against direction and being told what to do. I can’t change because I “should,” or society says so, or acceptance from others.  For me, I needed to see the value that this change would bring my life, beyond appearance. Finally seeing that eating differently would give me a balanced mentality, sustainabile energy, and better use of my free time- I was sold.

When we see the value of a change for ourselves and our lives, then we will change without resistance, and move forward in joy.

I needed to become stuck and frustrated in my life. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to see the value in making changes in my diet to support my desires. I want more energy. I want more time. I became so frustrated, I would do whatever it took to have it. That meant change. Not the changes I wanted to make, but the changes I have to make, for my desired life.

I have a choice. To continue living the way I have been, or change. I choose change. And for the first time, I want to change! Making these changes in my lifestyle and diet no longer feel inconvenient to me. I can finally see how making these new choices is giving me what I really want and need right now. It’s actually making my life more convenient. While some of my new lifestyle choices may be inconvenient for others, it’s the best thing in the world for myself and my life. I will be a better version of me, and that’s what the world wants anyways.

Thanks for reading! I’d love some feedback! Wanting to read more about change and getting on board with it? Looking for some healthy lifestyle swaps and how to support a more energetic you?  Let me know what you’d like to read about by leaving me a comment below!

Happy trails! -Chelsea

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