People don’t change.

The last decade of my life has been consumed by self help books. Somewhere along the way, I developed this idea that I needed to be fixed, improved upon, or changed. That there was a better version of me just one revelation away.  And perhaps with the right combination of thoughts, practices, and force, I could become her. I had an idea of who I would become after ‘doing some work’ on myself. That I would have a before and after story (plus photo) to share with everyone. Well, lets just say those 10 years were draining and at the end of it all, I’m still doing the same shit I was at the start.

Today for some reason, I started to think about who I was as a kid. And, wait for it….. I was exactly as I am right now. Well, maybe a little more joyful and a little less weathered (aka bitter). I have always tried to make humor out of life situations to help make things easier for others (and myself). I have always been blunt and to the point. I question everything. I have been extremely interested in how people think. I can’t lie. I have a strong moral compass. I take people at their word (this has been called “gullible” and “can’t take a joke”). I like to share stories to help others feel relatable. I think fart humor is funny. I hate horror movies. I can’t stand animal cruelty, human too. I want to help sad people feel happier. I am stubborn and obsessive. I am extremely focused and determined when I set my mind to something. I am all or nothing, and commit fully. I go full steam ahead on the things I am passionate about and enjoy.  I enjoy creating something born from an idea – mind to matter. I like to work with my hands. I love to solve problems. I love naps. I love snacks. I love to laugh.

What I realized is that these are my attributes. This is the fabric of who I am. It is unshakable and important. Because when it comes to the work that is true to my heart and what I am here to do – it’s necessary.  This is my toolbox to do my job. I can’t change it, because it’s too valuable.

I spent a decade trying to change those things because they were not appealing to some. Some people didn’t like some of my God given traits. I was also given a strong empathetic bone. I care very deeply about other people, and want everyone to be happy.  I took it on as my job to help others be at peace and find joy in life. But when I was the source of their unhappiness (or at least I was told that “blank” bothered them about me, etc.), I did everything I could to change that. To appease. To bring peace, at the cost of my making. Not everyone likes a blunt answer. Not everyone likes poop jokes. What happened was I lost sight of my design and tried changing for everyone around me.

It took me a loooonnnggg time to ‘come back to self.’  It took depression cycles, prayer, and questioning why I am here. It took searching for that small voice within me, that actually has been pretty damn loud and in my face. The most ironic thing about it is that while I was searching so hard for myself – or this ‘best’ version of me – I was here all along. All I needed to do be okay with my making.

Finally seeing who I am (and always have been), I started to look at who I am as a mother. I am a pretty damn good mom. What I realized is that I am not a good mom, I am just myself as a mom. I have always been nurturing and caring of others. I have always been invested and attentive in others mental and emotional well being. I am a ‘good’ mother because I am simply in a role that fits me.  Just as I was a good hairstylist and business owner, the roles fit my personality.

“Through out life, we simply take on new roles, and we ‘succeed’ at the ones we were made for.”

Tweet that shit. You’re welcome.

People don’t change. I have not changed. I am the same little passionate girl who won’t give up talking about something I want or something I want to do, until it’s done. Persistent AF. I am still the same girl who falls for “gullible is written on the celling,’ because dammit I take people at their word!

I have noticed that with each season of life I amadjusted. Becoming a mother, I have adjusted, to say the least. Kids are basically a giant windfall of change. My adjustment post children was not easy – I love to fight the current. So I floundered around for awhile until I eventually let life take me and teach me. Right now, this season has adjusted my priorities (less is more) and my pace (slow and steady wins the race marathon).  I have adapted to a slower ‘smolder’ pace when it comes to my plans and dreams for my life. This causes less ‘burn out’ too, which is helpful! (I have literally only 1-2 hours per day to commit to things outside of kids.) I also have simplified and prioritized; my home, my plans, and my projects. I reduced my focus down to 4 things that take up my energy. I think of my energy as a stove top with 4 burners. I have enough fire to keep 4 things simmering warm. My four are; my kids, my spouse, my writing, and my artwork.

I have also decided to have faith in God’s plan for my life. I’m kind of starting to see that my children really are unique and have their own quirks. Just as I did, from the beginning. I see some personality similarities to my self and my husband because that would make sense. That would make sense that God put these children with us.  We can relate and support someone who thinks similar to ourselves. And we have an understanding of what it’s like to be in their shoes, and perhaps know how to nurture them. I have faith that all of my attributes are what they need from a mother. I have faith that my kids also are made in a likeness that supports who I am (a nap lover!).

I have always felt very passionate about people being supported in who they are. I plan to do so with my children.  To help them focus on what they are good at. Teach them how important their attributes are to this world and what that are here to do. With hopes that they love and accept their making, despite what ‘some people’ may say. Because like every parent hopes for their kids, to save them from the hurts we have endured. My hurt was self hatred, and I pray they never have to endure that pain. And I pray that you don’t either.

xoxo Chelsea

I can’t afford it. 

I found myself yawning while reading my toddler stories before afternoon nap. This is not uncommon. Even after getting 8 hours of sleep, I’m tired. Both of my kids sleep through the night. My eldest sleeps from 6pm-5:30/6am. My baby sleeps from 7/8pm-6am. I get good sleep. Yet, I’m always hustling off to nap and bed as soon as possible. Meanwhile, putting off self care and my creative projects to yet another day in the future.

I can’t afford to be lethargic by noon. I can’t afford to be wiped out physically and emotionally. I can’t afford to go to bed 5 minutes after my baby. I can’t afford to be moody.  I just can’t afford it anymore.

​As you can see my boys are full of energy, and I need a full tank to keep up!

I want to be a kind, present, and patient mother, so I can’t afford to eat garbage. When I eat sugar, I’m reactive. I rollercoaster all day long and need sleep whenever I can get it. I’m like a child throwing tantrums when things don’t work out the way I need it to. I want to create my art. I can’t do that when I’m continually playing catch up on sleep to help balance me out. I want to play and chase my kids and feel good in my body.  I can’t do that when I feel tired and fat without the time to exercise. My time now is too valueable. How I eat and how I live must support the dreams I have for myself and my life.

I need to do better, for the love of myself and my life. I can’t afford not to do better anymore. If I want to have the life I dream of, I can’t afford to stay the same. 

My kids have forced me to prioritize. My schedule has forced me into choice. Before kids, I had a million hours and unlimited time. I could nap, drink, binge, get some work done and do it all over again. Sure, I was still loosing my shit on the regular, but I had time to do it. I don’t have time to do that anymore.

I currently have about 2-2.5 hours of my day to dedicate to self care and self expression. I can’t afford to be sleeping at that time. When I say self care that includes everything. From waxing, washing, work outs, journaling, meditation, organizing, and cleaning. Self expression includes blogging, artwork, home projects, new business ventures, dreams for myself, or even watching Netflix. Basically those two hours a day are the only kid free time I have. And lately, nothing is getting done. I have time, but not the energy to use it. It’s not a time problem, it’s an energy problem.

After another day of eating whatever for convince and feeling like crap by noon, yawning and needing a nap, I finally had to re-evaluate. How am I going to spend my days? Since I can’t control my “free time” can I at least make the most of it? That’s when I realized, eating for convience is making everything inconvenient. I continually feel stuck, angry, and bitter because I have no time for myself. Because the choices I’ve been making are wiping me out, and I just can’t afford to make the same choices anymore.

I need the energy to do my artwork over naptime. I need focus to be patient with my toddler. I need to feel light in my body so I can go for a run when my kids go to bed. I can’t afford to sleep off food hang overs anymore. I can’t afford to ride an emotional reaction roller coaster with sugar anymore.

I just can’t afford it. 

I write this on the last day I need to nap at noon. The last day I made choices that have kept me feeling pigeon held in my own life. For tomorrow I will make choices to allow for more in my life.

Finally, I don’t care to “have it all” in the kitchen, so I can afford to have it all in my life.

God is showing me the need to prioritize what I want. I can have it all in life, by making choices to promote what I really desire. Time to write, time to paint, time to run, time to play, time spent being present and kind, and time spent being nurturing to my kids. It just may mean that change needs to happen, so I can afford to do more and be more.

I didn’t want to change. I’ve been fighting dietary changes for over a decade. I’ve danced with change, but never took her home. I’ve been totally aware of how eating clean makes me feel a million times better. It just took me this long to see what the full value of eating differently is.

It’s not just about weight loss or looking good. I could never change for those reasons, because it always felt like it was for someone else. I rebel against direction and being told what to do. I can’t change because I “should,” or society says so, or acceptance from others.  For me, I needed to see the value that this change would bring my life, beyond appearance. Finally seeing that eating differently would give me a balanced mentality, sustainabile energy, and better use of my free time- I was sold.

When we see the value of a change for ourselves and our lives, then we will change without resistance, and move forward in joy.

I needed to become stuck and frustrated in my life. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to see the value in making changes in my diet to support my desires. I want more energy. I want more time. I became so frustrated, I would do whatever it took to have it. That meant change. Not the changes I wanted to make, but the changes I have to make, for my desired life.

I have a choice. To continue living the way I have been, or change. I choose change. And for the first time, I want to change! Making these changes in my lifestyle and diet no longer feel inconvenient to me. I can finally see how making these new choices is giving me what I really want and need right now. It’s actually making my life more convenient. While some of my new lifestyle choices may be inconvenient for others, it’s the best thing in the world for myself and my life. I will be a better version of me, and that’s what the world wants anyways.

Thanks for reading! I’d love some feedback! Wanting to read more about change and getting on board with it? Looking for some healthy lifestyle swaps and how to support a more energetic you?  Let me know what you’d like to read about by leaving me a comment below!

Happy trails! -Chelsea